The View

I have managed to be up since 4 this morning and am still kicking, well kind of. sitting doing almost nothing would not really be kicking. I guess it is more of the state "alive". I survive with coffee. I guess that is what I get for going to bed early. I am glad though because I saw thing I would not normally.

My apartment overlooks a busy highway, and the university. While this would annoy some, I enjoy the urban landscape and sounds, at least most of the sounds. The sight is breathtaking from 190" and even better with a light snow fall. A calming orangish glow fills the sky and the whole city becomes silent. very few cars pass below and everything is covered in a fine white. There are the Christmas lights glistening in the park below and the very steady patterns of green, yellow, red.

When I can not sleep I enjoy this view. I sit back on my couch and take it all in. From my perspective the world becomes a train layout, with vehicles move about in almost a slow motion. I sometimes picture the people as they go about their life's blissfully unaware of the watching eyes far above. It is all just a beautiful sight. The only thing I miss in this time of year is the glorious sun rises, bursting across the valley in purple, red and orange hues, to mark the beginning of the new day.

Why is it that we crave what we can not have and only seam to gain a full appreciation of what we had when we lose it? That is where I stand today. I am confused because I know God has more for my life, but I pine for the past, a longing for things not far gone. I have loved 2 women in my life. I botched it with one, was foolish and young. The other, it just can not be, I pray that it could but have placed on the alter for something more, something deeper. It is not right in God's eyes and for all my rebellion I know this, and have chosen more.

I am impatient. If I had a weakness, patients would be it ok. ok . I have 3 weakness.

1. not appropriate to discuss
2. 2 is most definitely patients
3. Rye bread boats. ( just can not get enough of that stuff)

I want more and I want it now. (say that with the voice of Veruca Salt in your head). I want a wife more then anything in the world. A woman to love and will love me in return, someone I can share everything with, from the most mundane to the stupid silly (i am full of that) to the deepest darkest everything. I keep hearing this thought... "you can share with me, I will always be there" but I push it out. I fight this. I know I can share all with Christ. he is the ultimate and knows everything before i can even think it, but I want the tangible.

That is not to say Christ is non tangible, but it does not feel the same to me, not the same as having the touch, warmth and voice of another. I guess this is the whole patients part. I have to place trust that He knows best and take the time he has given, to grow deeper, to learn the spiritual first. Everything else will then fall in line.

The pastor guy talked about Jonah, the one thing that stood out in my mind was Jonah not only ran in the opposite direction, he went to costly measures to avoid the task. God gave him the second chance while forcing his plan in spite of his not so faithful servant, even gave Jonah a chance to learn from it all. Jonah still blew it big time, but never got in the way of God's ultimate plan. Just think, he really learned nothing from his ordeal, yet gave billions the perfect lesson in God's love, grace and wrath. Very cool

So how will God use me, what can I learn from all that is going on, and how can I help others. If I don't do it God will make it happen anyway, but I can chose the road of blessing or the road of pain... dragging me kicking and screaming all the way. He is more then willing to treat us like the 2 year old when we act it.