The View

I have managed to be up since 4 this morning and am still kicking, well kind of. sitting doing almost nothing would not really be kicking. I guess it is more of the state "alive". I survive with coffee. I guess that is what I get for going to bed early. I am glad though because I saw thing I would not normally.

My apartment overlooks a busy highway, and the university. While this would annoy some, I enjoy the urban landscape and sounds, at least most of the sounds. The sight is breathtaking from 190" and even better with a light snow fall. A calming orangish glow fills the sky and the whole city becomes silent. very few cars pass below and everything is covered in a fine white. There are the Christmas lights glistening in the park below and the very steady patterns of green, yellow, red.

When I can not sleep I enjoy this view. I sit back on my couch and take it all in. From my perspective the world becomes a train layout, with vehicles move about in almost a slow motion. I sometimes picture the people as they go about their life's blissfully unaware of the watching eyes far above. It is all just a beautiful sight. The only thing I miss in this time of year is the glorious sun rises, bursting across the valley in purple, red and orange hues, to mark the beginning of the new day.

Why is it that we crave what we can not have and only seam to gain a full appreciation of what we had when we lose it? That is where I stand today. I am confused because I know God has more for my life, but I pine for the past, a longing for things not far gone. I have loved 2 women in my life. I botched it with one, was foolish and young. The other, it just can not be, I pray that it could but have placed on the alter for something more, something deeper. It is not right in God's eyes and for all my rebellion I know this, and have chosen more.

I am impatient. If I had a weakness, patients would be it ok. ok . I have 3 weakness.

1. not appropriate to discuss
2. 2 is most definitely patients
3. Rye bread boats. ( just can not get enough of that stuff)

I want more and I want it now. (say that with the voice of Veruca Salt in your head). I want a wife more then anything in the world. A woman to love and will love me in return, someone I can share everything with, from the most mundane to the stupid silly (i am full of that) to the deepest darkest everything. I keep hearing this thought... "you can share with me, I will always be there" but I push it out. I fight this. I know I can share all with Christ. he is the ultimate and knows everything before i can even think it, but I want the tangible.

That is not to say Christ is non tangible, but it does not feel the same to me, not the same as having the touch, warmth and voice of another. I guess this is the whole patients part. I have to place trust that He knows best and take the time he has given, to grow deeper, to learn the spiritual first. Everything else will then fall in line.

The pastor guy talked about Jonah, the one thing that stood out in my mind was Jonah not only ran in the opposite direction, he went to costly measures to avoid the task. God gave him the second chance while forcing his plan in spite of his not so faithful servant, even gave Jonah a chance to learn from it all. Jonah still blew it big time, but never got in the way of God's ultimate plan. Just think, he really learned nothing from his ordeal, yet gave billions the perfect lesson in God's love, grace and wrath. Very cool

So how will God use me, what can I learn from all that is going on, and how can I help others. If I don't do it God will make it happen anyway, but I can chose the road of blessing or the road of pain... dragging me kicking and screaming all the way. He is more then willing to treat us like the 2 year old when we act it.

A little Time

ok, It has been a little while and a little/ a lot has happened in my life. I think I am a step in the right direction. I Pray that I am at least. Busy Busy. Working, playing enjoying life, soaking in pain.

Why is it that the right choices are always the hardest, No, Why are the right choices the hardest when you have to make them months later? I feel better about it all but it hurts so much. I really hurt someone else too. ok I said I would be honest on this thing. I hurt Melissa. It was her choice, it was my choice. we knew this would be coming, but it still hurts and I forced her into the change, which hurts. I told myself I would never hurt her, and here we are.

I wish her the best. We are good friends and will remain that but we are no longer and can never be as close as we were. It was enjoyable and I had a lot of fun, but things change and it was eating me inside to not be doing the right thing. So here I am. I Vow that I will not let her pain be for naught. I swear I will honor my commitments so that her pain was not because of a frivolous decision. God help me. I need you now.

In the beginning what?

Yeah! It is 7:30 and the piles have started again. grrr. I could sleep in today because I don't start work till one, but noooo. stupid economic expansion. Ya Get what ya wish for, I guess. It is very cool to see so much construction in a city that has seemed dead for so long. Now, if only the people who lived in the city could feel this way. technically I live in the city so people in the city do feel this way, I guess. There are still so many people being so negative, like what is going on and is clearly visible all over is not really happening. How can the human race be so blind. Don't need the Bible to see that. We are just ignorant and fear change; neither of which are good excuses.

So What else to talk about. I feel better this morning but still have to deal with a lot of stuff, but I feel the decision is right and I am at peace with it all. hmmm something else. I think today I will experience the joys of the library. I have never had one this close and It will save money over buying books. I feel torn because I see books as a status symbol, and I guess they are. Your collection tells people who you are and what you enjoy. If I am going to reach my savings gaols, then I can't afford books.(or anything else for that matter). I think it is a pride thing. I have to read a used book, how dare I. Wow I feel dirty witting that but on a small level it is the truth.

On saving money, I am amazed how much money I can have left over each month by cutting back on a few things. Being single, I used to spend about $75 on groceries each month. I have cut that back to about $45 by cutting out all prepared foods. You know, the stuff that you just microwave and then eat. It is not really healthy anyway. I also have limited my meat choices. I usually bay a few pounds of dark chicken meat (boneless because I spoil myself) and then get the rest oy my proteins from beans and such. Works out well, but I can squeeze that Dollar amount down more, and will try next month.

I like life to be simple, filled with little clutter, but here is where the lazy (and the hypocrite) kicks in. My home tends to be a little crazy with stuff strewn about. I am working on it but always excuse myself because I am male. Don't knock it, that excuse works. and this is a short paragraph.

Music! Madina Lake just came on. Got to hear them live, they are very good but they had a really short set and was a bit bummed over that. That whole concert was great, but I felt torn by it all. Rock really is filthy, in the language and the message, but I love the music still. HIM was good but not as good as I would have hoped. The most depressing band had to be placebo. They just sucked beyond anything. Not a huge fan of them anyway, but I still expected more from them. Taking back sunday was by far the best act. They played the crowed and were lively on stage. The music and vocals were tight.

I can not stand bad vocals, BIG pet peeve. Personally, 90% of the people that sing the National Anthem should be publicly flogged for butchering it so badly. Sing through the phrase, don't take breaths were you would not if you were talking. Is that so hard? oh and please stop it with that gargling opera voice thing. Just sign the song, don't add any "special" (i.e retarded) personal touches. It is a good song and does not need your "help". *sigh*

So many thoughts course though my mind and I can never get down what I planned or even remember the "gems" that floated across the void seconds ago. That is a big thing I will need to work on. my memory tend s to leak worse then a sunken ship (i know a terrible analogy). oh That is what it was. I was thinking on food. I love food. I love to cook. I am not saying I am good at it. I think good is not how anyone would describe my food. Eatable is usually a great description.

It is a beautiful fall day. The sun is shining and there is that perfect cool, crisp air outside. The smell of fall is not quite here, but it is close. The only bad part of fall is it is a reminder that our 7 months of potential snow fall is almost here. Snow season is from Columbus Day to Mother's day. Our First frost is just a couple weeks away. I love this place though and for all the troubles here, it will be difficult for me to leave should I have to.

OK. I had some notes from my reading that I will put up here. I will probably do this a lot. it seams a good place. At least till I get a notebook or 10.

So I read this devotional about temptation. The idea was that we create our own temptation so by virtue, it is only as bad as we make it. Temptation is also not a bad thing. To be tempted is not a sin. To fail the test is bad but the temptation is neutral. It should always be a lesson for us though. IF you pass you have learned something about yourself and how to deal with issues. If you fail, well, now you have the joy of learning how to deal with that sin and all the consequences tied therein.

I also was reading the first 4 chapters of Genesis. The ultimate temptation. to be like God. and yet simple in form, nothing more then greed. I should get flamed for this, and Yes I am a pig (see Chinese Zodiac) I think the biggest punishment God place on women was the desire for a husband. I think to many people just kind of read over that. It was part of the punishment, a desire for her husband a punishment? Doesn't really seam like much.

I think men and woman are equal but different. If you believe that we are exactly the same, you are delusional. I think we used to be even more the same before the fall, but that punishment changed a lot. It is hardwired into women to find a husband, and to end up submissive to him. Woman fight this to death and I think that it is possible to suppress the urge but at the cost of other issues. To say it does not exist is also foolish. Why do so many woman stick with a guy despite there being so many flaws or even constant abuse. If this punishment was not in place we would see more woman in places of power. Instead most woman have little interest in direct power, but seek men or hold that power. ok enough with that.

From the very beginning of Genesis, (kind of redundant), and hence the Bible, there are hints toward some greater purpose for humanity then what is spoken. Looking beyond when we were perfect, there was a greater design for us. I Don't believe us being perfect was the original design. It was simply a means to an end. Our existence is to prove God's Perfection and provide companionship. I do not believe that either statement is fulfilled when we were perfect. I believe we are a controlled experiment (meaning nothing of this was unplanned or ever will be outside of God's true will.) to prove Gods glory and perfection to the world unseen or comprehendable to us.

We get to see God's personalties. He is one unit but with many aspects, i.e the Father, the Son, and the Spirit. We see God as the Father for the first time, not as the creator but on a more personal level. The Father set the rules, and we disobeyed them. The Father has the choice. Let it slide (and mock who he is) or punish use (and contradict the love, as some people see it). So here we now have the Father's anger and wrath, but it is out of love, not spite. We lose eternal life and will have to struggle till the end to survive.

But in the punishment we see the love. He had to punish us because he loves us and with out punishment there is no growth. To not punish is a mockery of the rules, and also does not show his love. This is all theory without the next act. Even as God is pushing Adam and Eve out of the garden he extends his compassion and grace to them. He provided them with cloths. It is a simple gesture, but he did not have to do that, he could have let us figure it all out on our own. So even in punishment the Father shows himself as loving and compassionate. Note to self: learn Hebrew.

That is all i have for the moment. Think I will do some more reading

The Randomness of the mind

Or Pure Insanity?

Such is my little life. There is not much I am afraid to post online as I will keep this semi confidential. I like to write and it has been a long time since I have done any. not that anything I post up here will be educational or deep or thoughtful or, other big words that make my mind explode. Oh, To sing the pure joy of my wandering mine.

The pants rock opera, it has been a while. My playlist is on random at the moment. It provides a very odd mix of music. I listen to a lot of different genres. Most of it is more mellow then I used to think I was but at the same time I believe that is who I am and have become. I am very laid back and take life as comes. (is there really any other way to move through life?) Eh. Maybe I have just become old and am unwilling to admit it.

I feel like I am struggling with so much and so little. I am in a dead end relationship that is not really in God's perfect vision. (But it God is perfect then are not all things a perfect part of his plan? can we make his plan imperfect? a discussion for another day maybe.) At the same time I feel torn about it but I still know what a should do, not that it makes the act any easier. I have fallen away and want to get back to where I was, no closer then I ever have as I never really have been close. There are always things that block the path. I will try to remedy the problems soon.

If you say something enough times does it become reality? Reality is only technically what you can perceive. Of course, your perception can differ from the collective view of reality, whereupon society labels you crazy. This also points toward Christianity as Christianity as perceived is by the collective differs from reality. So the Christians are either crazy or enlightened. I vote for both.

God has provided us with the ability to see the world though different eyes, through the Creator's perspective. Se we are privileged with seeing the world as it truly is; fallen and depraved, void of all purity, with the overwhelming exception of God dwelling among us to help provide others a glimpse into reality. It is humbling that the Creator of all choses us above any other way to show his light. oh and absolutely terrifying.

We as Christians are the number one thing standing in God's way, not that he does not remove us as obstacles, but Christians are the number one destroyers of Christianity. I consider myself example number one in this scenario. So, while this is aimed at many people this is also a real examination of myself. I am a hypocrite, have been my entire life and probably will forever be that way, but I will work at it from here out.

If more Christians would realize this and just start acting as real humans, we would truly make a difference beyond anything we could even dream of imagining. Part of the reason I got tired of my church is this reason. Day in and day out you have people preaching one thing and living another, or worse, simply not living. If you close yourself out from the world completely you will also loose touch and a good part of your effectiveness. We need to stop arguing over little rules that have no real definition in the Bible to begin with and start loving people.

I am absolutely amazed by the number of times I have seen people who did not fit certain criteria be turned away. Usually this is not blatant, but ignoring people that you don't understand or have some irrational fear of. WE ignore them and forget they are human. They are no different then you or I. We all live breath and poop and at one point you were probably in there shoes. That is the worst sin the church commits. we forget that we are all sinners and we were all there. not one of us looks any better in the eyes of the father. His love is more then we can ever accept and his wrath burns against us more then we could ever begin to comprehend.
There is one difference, Some of use have a mediator who acts in our behalf. How can we deny people of that knowledge simply because of known or unconscious prejudices. Do we assume that we will not be held accountable. We may be saved through Gods mercy but each sin will still be brought for all to see, but we have the mediator. It almost seams cyclic. I have no way to describe the feeling. it is sickening.

So yeah. Not what I really planned to post but.., maybe some other day.

To those who read this, all none of you? eh. scratch it I feel not the witty one today. I severly doubt anyone will ever read this anyway. If you do, you could drop me a comment to let me know? would love to hear from you.